Learning from UPSC Civil Services Preparation : Failure or Experiences- Part I - My journey in CSE

Almost all of us might have been an aspirant sometime in our lives for job or competitive college entrance exam. We always strive to crack that very exam because it would validate and confirm one's hard work and intelligence (Doubtful in many exams though). Even when a handful of them (hundreds or thousands) only crack the exam every year, all those who had prepared would dream (and pray) for one's success. Those who fail to be pass or clear, really feel heartbroken, frustrated and generally abuse (question) the Almighty (at least those who are theists). What do you feel should be the term for these people who couldn't make into their dream universities or jobs : Failures or Experienced guys?

Without stretching the background any further, let's come to the main agenda of the blog which is "Learning from Civil Services Examination preparation (IAS)". In this Part-I of the blog, I have focused on "My journey in CSE" which has been a bit cruel (and perhaps unlucky at least for me). It can be summed up as below-

2015- Prelims- Missed the cutoff by 15 marks- Had attempted the exam to understand its nature and difficulty level during my job itself.

2016- Prelims- Missed the cutoff this year by 1.33 marks. Heartbreak moment though not very much as I was still working.

2017- Prelims Qualified. Gave Mains and missed interview call by 9 marks. This was more difficult to digest as I wanted to appear in Interview (Personality Test as they call) and at least assess my Personality. But as there was scope for more hard work and writing practice (crucial these days), I decided to prepare one more time with more zeal and vigour.

2018- Prelims and Mains Qualified. Interview went really amazing and based on the transcript I wrote (shared here in my last blog) many veterans in this field had guessed that I should score something close to 200 in it. Finally, after several rumours about declaration of result, it came on 5th April 2019 at 7pm. After one has almost traversed one year in the exam, not finding one's name is as tragic as dismissal of Sachin in 2003 World Cup Final in first over. To make it more pathetic, there was a Nitin Kumar in the list but it wasn't me. But before I could make others understand this, many congratulatory messages had arrived. Now rejection became more bitter. This rejection was most painful in my journey of CSE. I had almost imagined this time to get into it as I had given a lot of effort in all aspects of the examination.

Further, I waited for a month to see the marksheet and know what led to my debacle this time. I had scored 179 in interview (fairly decent), 134 in essay (155 was highest this year and 130+ scores were rare) and 416 in GS (410+ was considered to be very good this year). Thus, it was only one single paper of 500 marks (Optional- Psychology) in this exam of 2025 (1800 Mains+275 Interview) that ruined my chances and shattered my dreams. I scored only 241 (lower than last year's 253 even when I had worked on it much more smartly than that attempt). I missed getting into the list by 13 marks (40-50 marks to become IAS). It was possible to score this much perhaps some other day with another evaluator checking my paper because I had scored well in test series. As we humans like to attribute cause for any event, I too tried to find the reasons for this poor performance of mine in Psychology. These can be several - poor performance of mine (Paragraph style vs point wise style of writing); evaluator's mood; average performance of the subject (230-250 in recent years) etc. None can assign one correct reason for the same (Can't see my copy as per SC's directive under RTI).

The moment this heartbreak happened at 7pm on Friday the 5th April, 2019, the very first thing that I think I had done was seeing the idols of Gods and Goddesses in my room. I asked them what bad I had done in life that my dream was snatched away after I came so close (5+ lakh appeared in Prelims- 10k in Mains and less than 2k in Interview). I wanted a reply from the Almighty that has answers to all questions, but there was none. In the meanwhile, I attended dozen of calls and listened to people's sympathy and encouraging words (Koi baat nahi, agle baar pakka hoga tumhara i.e. No issues dude, next time you will rock for sure). Next time was a bigger disaster and heartbreak.

2019- Prelims Qualified. Mains not qualified. This year I did all experimentation and P&C (Permutation and Combination) to change my fortunes. I shifted to Bangalore for a couple of months, changed my strategy a bit in GS and heavily focused this year on Psychology, the villain in 2018 attempt. As I had devoted a significant time in Psychology this year and had imbibed several aspects that had been rewarded in the past (based on Toppers' test papers and experiences), I was very confident of scoring 280+ in it. If I would have done so, based on my GS scores for the last 2 attempts and test series performance this year, I was sure of getting an interview call. But life had designed another unexpected and surprise or breaker for me. Mains Results out and I was also out of this examination. The day of result was 15th January, 2020. It's a festive day of Makar Sankranti on which people in our Eastern India (Mithilanchal, Bihar) eat delicacies like Chura (Flaked rice/ Poha), Dahi (Curd), Lai, Tilkut, Til Laddu etc. Before I could have engulfed these, the results on 14th midnight (1.34 am) had broken my dream of entering into civil services again (apart from enjoying the tasty delicacies of the day). Now I was very clear, it is high time to move on (from this relationship with CSE) and no more fall in the trap of "one more time" (as I had one attempt still left).

Thus, this has been my journey in UPSC CSE where I was able to reach all its stages but couldn't clear the final stage. Hence, one can term these years as years of failure or experiences that can shape me and my future in a better manner. Undoubtedly, I have amassed a lot of knowledge in Polity, Economics, International Affairs, Disaster Management, Psychology etc. But a question that comes at the same time is, "Whether there is any tangible or short term utility of this?" Whether I will be able to use this knowledge in non-civil servant life (though many question its utility even for civil servants)? Such questions are thought-provoking and difficult to answer many a times. But one thing is certain I would have no repents or regret of not preparing for an exam that I really wanted to crack and join as an IAS. After working on ground with government (IAS) for about 3 years, I really wanted to become so and touch upon the lives of millions of people especially vulnerable sections. But I could not.

Today, I have readily accepted the old adage "If you don't get what you desired or dreamt, Destiny has some other plans for you". Let's see what we have in destiny and how we move towards that thing is something very important and crucial. This is where its important for the individual to be confident, patient and lively to shape one's career, life and destiny in future. These get decided based on one's perception of the journey in such exams as Failure or beautiful and memorable experiences for lifetime. I am trying to imbibe the latter today in whatever I am doing. I will share some insights on this in Part II of this blog very soon.

Let's exhibit patience, perseverance and emotional intelligence in these hardship & uncertain times (especially for aspirants of 2020 CSE). It too shall pass by and we would shine again like a diamond very soon.