The Road Taken: Gains and Losses during this Journey

The Road Taken: Gains and Losses during this Journey is a Facebook Post of my friend named Samudra Sonowal. I liked it so much that I requested him for his permission to post it here on my blog. It was his generosity that he granted me one and so here I post 2nd such piece of writing on my blog (Positive stories during COVID-19 at Dhanbad).


I found it too contextual and relevant in explaining the manner we are living in the present times. Aren't we just flowing with the flow of life, our dreams (in fact many a times society's), situational pressures etc. What we need is to take a pause, deep breath, introspect at our present status, ponder over the future, live in the present (mindfulness) and connect with our near & dear ones (parents, relatives, friends from school/college etc.).


The first few lines/paras of the post really made me feel nostalgic and connected because 14 years ago in 2006 when I was merely 15 years old, I left my home town and parents to pursue my education in a so-called better place Delhi (1300kms far away). Just replacing 9 by 15 would make it my story.


"9 years back, I had a home.

Now, I have a house (not home)

9 years back, I had friends.
Now, I have colleagues.

9 years back, I left home for higher studies chasing my dreams without any idea that chasing dreams never ends........."



If you feel the post relevant and rings some bells, please comment. Also if you have made some life changing strategies (life coach and motivational speaker types) to walk this journey smoothly and happily, please share them with us. Many including me and Samudra would be benefitted by the insights and experiences of many more people who have traversed the same road with more gains (G) and less losses (L).

If G>L, the journey on this road taken by you should have been very pleasant and satisfying. When you would be re-visiting the memory lanes of this road and journey, you would find more avenues of laughter and real meaningful connections instead of fake smiles & superficial meetings.

Significance of Lord Hanuman's trip of Lanka to mythology and humans of today

As majority of us have re-visited the famous epic Ramayana in last few months during the lockdown, the content of the blog can be much easily comprehended. As I wondered many a times, during watching it, that what was the relevance of Lord Hanuman's trip to Lanka when he did not bring Goddess Sita along with him. The blog tries to cover the different personalities related to this trip of Lord Hanuman in a chronological manner that proved crucial in Lanka War. It also captures what today's humans can learn from these mythological stories and personalities to lead ethical and good life in seemingly growing unethical and restless modern era.   

The first personality that Lord Hanuman found on his way to Lanka was Sea Mountain Mainak. He had offered the top of the mountain to Hanuman for resting and recouping his energy for the remaining trip. In reply, Hanuman respectfully refused and said that unless the goal of the trip (passing on the message of Lord Rama to Goddess Sita) gets accomplished, he can't rest. 

Such spirit among humans (especially for students) can plan a crucial role in similar numerous missions of our lives. Even the same message can be said to be present in the famous "Hare-Tortoise story". The tortoise didn't take rest and walked till his goal of reaching the finishing line of the race wasn't crossed. On the other hand, the hare decided to rest (because it was way ahead than tortoise) and fell asleep eventually leading to his loss in the race. Similarly, many of us (hare) feel we are superior and our victory in life races is guaranteed till the moment a seemingly inferior being emerges victorious due to the latter's perseverance, motivation, self-belief and mental acuity. 


Secondly, Lord Hanuman encountered Sursa (actually she was the Goddess of Serpents). She was sent by the Gods for testing the wisdom of Hanuman. Hanuman actually passed the test when he upheld the concept of Dharma propounded by Sursa. Her conception of Dharma meant that any creature/human being that comes in her jurisdiction when she is hungry for food needs to appease her hunger. On the other hand, Hanuman said that his Dharma was to reach Lanka and get the task of Lord Ram accomplished. Hanuman realizing that Sursa's concept of Dharma is not incorrect, accepted becoming the food of Sursa, once his Dharma is accomplished (Conveying the message of Rama to Sita and confirming the same to Rama). 

But he used the caveat (option) that Sursa had mentioned that if he manages to escape from her, her Dharma would still be upheld. This is what Hanuman Jee achieved by varying his size and being agile (valour and wisdom) to escape from her mouth. Thus, Sursa while appreciating Hanuman's wisdom and understanding, mentioned the four golden qualities required for success. These include courage, valour, understanding and wisdom. Even in today's world, these four can be said to be crucial for one's short-term and long term success and well-being. In our daily lives, we encounter several challenges and tests and if we internalise these golden qualities (virtues), our success might be really enhanced (if not guaranteed).  

Third and most important person (hence covered more than anyone else in the blog) whom Lord Hanuman met was Vibhishana, the younger brother of Ravana and Kumbhkarana. All the three brothers had received different boons by Lord Brahma. Vibhishana had the boon of getting darshan (holy sight) of Lord Ram. Vibhishana was patiently yet restlessly waiting for this day to arrive. But the real confidence and clarity of this boon becoming truth very soon was provided through Hanuman's visit to his palace. 

When Hanuman explained the nature of love Lord Ram showers on his servants (bhakts) and also explained his reason of coming to Lanka, he has sure that very soon he would receive the holy sight of his Lord (Vishnu/Ram). It signifies that our dreams/boons (unknown) might not arrive when we expect them (due to hard work/labour/astrologers' predictions). But they are certainly achieved in due course of time (destiny's plans and timelines). One who "Keeps Calm and Stay Motivated" tastes the sweet success of dreams turning into reality.  

Later during their interaction, we can witness another strong and important concept of Dharma. Vibhishana's mother, Kaikesi, advised him to go and aid Shri Rama in assembling an army to conquer Ravana for recovering Sita. This might not have been an easy decision of the mother who was aware that this would lead to the death of his own son. What happened after Vibhishana arrived in Ram's camp is known to all. He divulged the secrets of Ravana, his son Meghnad and other invaluable details needed for Rama to emerge victorious in the great battle against Ravana. Because of this, however, Vibhishana is also known as a traitor (Ghar ka bhedi, Lanka dhaye translated as one who knows the secrets of home i.e. Vibhishana can lead to disastrous theft and damage of the house i.e. Ravana's Lanka). But actually should we call him a traitor, bad brother or an ethical and dharma bound being?


To answer this, Ramayana’s characterization of good and bad is not simple and crystal clear perhaps like today where we find more shades of grey (even much more than 50 shades) than white or black. What Vibhishana did was upholding his Dharma. The epic stresses that neither Vibhishana nor Kumbhakarna strayed from the path of Dharma and that there is no single way out of a moral dilemma. In other words, Kumbhakarna adhered to the Dharma of loyalty to his kin when his advice failed, while Vibhishana chose to oppose his kin and upheld the Dharma of truth and goodness. Ravana's act of abducting Sita was adharma towards his subjects (praja). Hence he should not be defended, even if it requires joining hands with enemy (Exploring Vibhishana's Dharma). When Vibhishana attained the position of the King of Lanka, he turned his subjects from the path of evil to the path of Dharma(righteousness).

Another message that was conveyed in this conversation between Hanuman-Vibhishana was that Lord (God) does not distinguish between his followers based on birth or circumstances in life. Vibhishana was from rakhasa (demon) brood, still he was loved by Lord Ram like his brother. Unfortunately humans and society have not imbibed or followed this explicit message from mythology and thus several social evils like untouchability, denying entry of certain social groups in temples etc. 

Also Vibhishana advised Ravana not to kill Hanuman as per religious and political principle of dealing with envoys (doot). This principle exists on paper and policy (Vienna Convention on Consular Relations 1963). But sometimes cases like Kulbhushan Jadhav (retired Indian navy officer on duty) make us understand that they are not adhered to (military court gave him death sentence). The repercussions are similar to what happened in Ravana's era. Because Ravana decided to burn the tail of Hanuman, the whole city of Lanka was torched by him. Similarly, the situation with Pakistan can become really complicated (SAARC cancellation etc.) if it decides against ICJ's (Vibhishana) judgement (advice) of free and fair trial of Kulbhushan.


Forth character whom we can't miss in this regard is Goddess Sita. If Hanuman had not reached Lanka when he did but a month later, Sita might have taken her life (as she said to Ravana when the latter tried to force her break all ties with her husband Ram and instead accept Ravana as her husband). The message of Ram (in the form of his ring) reassured, strengthened and rejuvenated her belief on Ram. Hanuman could not have better made her understand the situation and pain Ram has been going through for years.

Further, Hanuman briefed her the plan of Ram with the army consisting of Sugriv, Jamwant, Angad etc. In fact, it is this Ram's army who gathered this belief of crossing the ocean because of Hanuman's trip. Accordingly using the support of Neel and Nal, the army build the bridge over the ocean to reach Lanka and fight the victorious war against Ravan. A seemingly weak army of monkeys and humans defeated the mighty army of Ravana (this was doubted even by Sita when Hanuman briefed about the composition of army). The clear and loud message of this, that stands relevant even till date, is that if the intention and belief are strong, even the weakest (or so-called backward community) can emerge victorious in this world where we fight different battles everyday.  

Finally, I want to highlight an aspect that is little known and connected to this Hanuman trip to Lanka. It is about the son of Lord Hanuman. Though he was ascetic, he had a son named Makardhwaja. He was born to a mighty fish of the same name when Hanuman after burning the entire Lanka with his tail had dipped in the sea to cool off his body. It is said that his sweat was swallowed by the fish and thus Makardhwaja was conceived.

To conclude, Hanuman's trip to Lanka can be said to be the rejuvenating element in Ram's search for Sita. The messages of each other being healthy and good were conveyed through rings and jewellery respectively through Hanuman. In fact Hanuman had offered to carry Sita back to Ram but Sita wanted her husband Ram to avenge her insult (abduction) by killing Ravan. This is why Lanka war was bound to happen (in fact the day Brahma gave the boon to Ravana and moreover when the latter abducted Sita). Mythology may be questioned or challenged by rational thinkers and historians for their veracity and correctness. But the lessons and teachings of their stories (epics) can not be disputed and in fact their relevance and significance in today's lives of humans is much more than anytime else in the past.

Thanks or No Thanks

Recently on Father's Day (21st June), I realized from social media posts of my friends that there are three categories of children. First who celebrated it as a special day expressing their love and gratitude towards their father, second who questioned the relevance and utility of the day (Boycotted like Bajrang Dal on Valentine Day) and third who posted nothing related to this day and considered it to be just another day. All of them might be completely correct in their own ways with their own rationale and logic. But it made me ponder on following important (yet not so discussed) aspects - 

- Relevance of Days like father's day/mother's day - Is it worthwhile or worthless?
- Should we appreciate the sacrifice and hardships made by our parents through such posts?
- Should we convey our gratitude and thank them? Or should we extend the same concept of "Dost ko koi thank you bolta hn" (No thanks among friends) to parents as well?

This blog tries to capture these aspects I found worth discussing with all of you to understand more and better these dimensions and emotions. In fact this time I also tried to bring the perspectives of both stakeholders in this relationship (parents and children). While talking to my mother yesterday and my maid today, I asked what is their take on above pointers to be able to do some justice in this blog. I want all those who read this piece to comment for endorsing/questioning my views as expressed here. This "intellectual and emotional feasting" might benefit the parents and children in particular and future mankind in general (if we survive after COVID).


Relevance of days like Father's Day/Mother's Day can be viewed with this objective that in the modern era, we have become so distant, secluded, busy and selfish (if I can use it) that perhaps we need such days to owe our gratitude and respect to our fathers/mothers etc. Though it is not wrong that we should extend such feelings every moment (365days*24hours*60mins*60secs), celebrating such particular days might provide us a special window or opportunity to appreciate the role, sacrifice and contribution of parents on one hand and extend our gratitude, respect and love to them on the other. Though there is also a section of children who dine out with parents, gift them and wish them on all social media platforms on such days. But on all other days of the year, they make their parents feel worthless, out of place and publicly/privately humiliate them. Hence, it is true that mere celebration of such days might not reflect the real relationship between these two entities - parents and children. But does it mean that we should not appreciate the contribution of parents on our lives through celebrating such special days?


Appreciating the sacrifices made by parents can be done through innumerable ways like celebrating these days; conveying thanks regularly; talking to them patiently and respectfully; going for a picnic or dinner; gifting them etc. In fact talking on latter element of gifting, I can remember vividly how sometime back a dear friend of mine gifted her mother an expensive saree and jewellery set worth few lakhs. Even when her mother could have bought them (she had expressed her desires for them many a times) but felt worthless to spend that much on herself. Though she used to gift her daughter, from time to time, even much more than the price of these sarees and jewelleries, she didn't buy such costly (even things desired and liked) for herself. Generally, parents do so because they want to provide everything they can from their hard earned earnings (in fact even stretch beyond by taking educational/home/business loans) for their children even at the cost of their own likings and desires. Should we consider all these to be their basic duty and hence not warranting even a message of appreciation (thanks) from children?


As humans, all of us expect appreciation/recognition/praise for the good works done by us even if done selflessly like parents. Parents make many sacrifices for their children right since their birth till they are alive just to ensure due care, happiness and well being of the latter. For example - They might have to change/leave social groups, forget the "Me and We time" between spouses, sacrifice hobbies, neglect one's taste buds and likings while preparing/ordering food. Moreover, mothers like mine who left a town where her Chemistry coaching class was at boom and moved to a new town merely for my better schooling. Similarly, wife of Manish Sisodia, Deputy CM of Delhi quit her illustrious career in software industry for raising their child (because "women" are not as privileged as men even quoted by Manish Sisodia in an interview). How can we acknowledge (forget repaying) these sacrifices made by our parents?


As per me, acknowledging their hardships, pain, sacrifices and efforts is the most basic and minimum we should do on a daily basis while interacting with them (face to face, audio/video call etc.). This can be done by listening to them patiently, enquiring them about how was their day and plans for the next, wishing them birthdays & anniversaries (if possible making these days special), saying them "Thank You" at regular intervals etc.


But on the other hand, there is a section which feels that parents are bound to do all these for their children as a matter of their duties. No matter whether we thank them or not, they are supposed to provide us the best amenities and life comforts. Hence, there is no rationale of thanking them for their duties. Some even feel that it would make the relationship too formal or may be superficial. They compare this parents-children relation to friends and hence the concept of "Dost ke case me No Thanks" (There is nothing like Thanks between friends) can be used to not express such thanks message between parents and children. To question this rationale, let me give one analogy. There are many personnel like maids, grocery/dairy shopkeepers etc. whose duty is to work in their respective areas and in fact they are paid for their services/work. Still many of us acknowledge their work and thank them for their support in making our lives easier, smoother and better (especially during present COVID-19 crisis). 


So, extending this onto our parents, why can't we thank them even when they aren't paid for the above roles they play (enabling a child to walk, eat, run, read, earn etc. without anyone's support). Though in case of parents, even if we don't thank them, they would still continue to help and care for us, perhaps even without an expectation of being thanked. But if we thank them as we do for above key personnel of our society, I feel their morale, motivation and happiness would rise manifold. Off late, many including me have realized that we should take a moment every now and then to acknowledge all their hardships, sacrifices, journey from a selfish person (before becoming a parent) to a selfless parent. I feel that through such messages conveying our genuine appreciation, respect and support to them can go a long way in making them feel more worthy of themselves and their upbringing (Maslow's Self Actualization and Self Esteem). This will also trigger the cycle of expressing thanks between parents and children (which perhaps is largely missing in Indian society).


Hence, no matter how busy we are, there must be moments every now and then (if possible daily) where we (children) should extend our deep, true and genuine respect; love; care; gratitude and appreciation towards our parents. This feeling might have become strong in recent times of COVID when we realized that we live in a highly fragile and vulnerable setup. Thus, one should not repent of not expressing the above and thanking one's parents because s/he did not get avenues (though all of us can find many if we intend to - may be with some true effort). As children, no matter what we do, we can never pay their debts on us but can at least make them feel more proud of themselves and us as their children.

Happy Father's Day Papa

"Thanx. God bless u and hope u will get success in ur life". This is the sweet reply from my dear father (Papa) when I wished him Father's Day on WhatsApp. This is similar to the message in the song "Papa kehte hain bada naam karega, beta humara aisa kaam karega.....". Though he is not a "Day type" person, above reply of him denotes an acknowledgement and acceptance of the words I had mentioned in the Father's day message to him. For me, nothing more than that matters about my family (my father, mother and me). 

The role of Father is very different from mother even in today's era when both of them can be often seen to be working. The reason is the the predominance of mother exhibiting emotions (heart) and father framing rules (guidelines) for the child and the family. This might differ from family to family and gender of children (vice versa for female child where Father is said to generally shower more love and mother taking role of rule framing). 

I witnessed my father's schedule of leaving for office (bank) at 9.30AM and returning not before 7PM till he retired on 31st January 2020. He worked for 36 long years in different branches situated in my home state Bihar. Being outspoken, strict and honest, he also was the recipient of punishment posting to difficult and dangerous branches (naxalite belt) like Hisua (Nawada). But he made me realise the importance and beauty of honesty. When you are honest, you get respect from even the toughest man of the region. It is because of his honesty, principles and firm nature, he established a good rapport with so-called dangerous elements of society as well. This made his posting in Hisua as one of the most memorable and not a punishment posting. Though as a child, I missed his coming to home from bank in evening and ringing his bike horn at the main gate signaling me to open it. Similar feelings of missing him might have been experienced by my mother as well during these years when he used to come only once/twice in a month.

In fact what was most interesting and painful at the same time was the time duration of him getting a posting close to our home, especially after we had made our own house. House is made by several sets of different trained masons and labourers. The role of my father in ensuring timely completion of the house (23 years ago in 1997-98) was of a financer. Without his hard earned money, this was impossible as we were ineligible for a home loan. But the indispensable role of my mother can never ever be missed. She was the one who bought all materials be it cement, sand to marble & tiles to sanitary ware etc. Moreover, she was the one all alone handling all the tactics and power games of the masons and labour on a daily basis. Thus, this house of ours is so close to me and I feel so calm and connected whenever I visit it.

My perception in the relationship between me and my father (Rel) can be summed up using this equation, Rel=R+F where R stands for Respect and F for Fear. The proportion of R and F has changed over the years and undergone different phases as shown below-

F>>R (till class 8th)

F>R (9th to IIT entrance)

F=R (college)

R>F (today)           

 

The reason for these varied proportions can be the way my father felt I should be parented (fathered). I have mentioned this in an earlier blog of mine too describing the general parenting style adopted in India and especially in middle class families Parenting Style. When I cracked IITJEE, the fear element subsided and today Respect towards him has overshadowed the former (even when Fear remains to be an aspect). The reason why I say Fear is still present is because of me waking up all of a sudden whenever he calls my name. Should there be any element of Fear or respect or love is debatable aspect related to parenting. Having experienced both reinforcement and punishment, it will be a challenge for me (as a father in future) not to use the latter especially with the children of the coming generation. This is so because Fear may backfire (hatred and delinquency) and Love can only help in gaining trust of the children.

I vividly remember how he had given me a massage after I had served food tirelessly to more than 2000 people in my grandfather's shraddha feast. This was the new "Nitin" he had seen who had always been a lazy fellow in such homely works. Even when he was mourning the death of his father, he felt the pain I might have undergone during serving food to so many people without any break. The love he had shown that day also proved another thing about him that even when he appears to be a very hard and strict being from his appearance and language, he is soft and caring from deep within. Hence, one can't discount the aspect of Love (L) in above equation Rel=R+F+L. Its just that manifestation of L is different in his case as compared to mother who used to shower and express it more vividly and explicitly.

Love element - Papa and me (less than a year old)

He had his own way of rearing me. He didn't believe in the concept of "pocket money" but he always said that "Padhai ka saman ke liye koi kami nahi karna hain, jo book kharidna hn. Kharido. Magar kapda latta bekaar kharcha hain" (Don't compromise on study related expenses. Buy all those books which might be needed for your studies. But spending money on clothes and all is wasteful expenditure). This made me what I am today - hardly understanding the importance of clothes, fashion, pressing clothes to look more presentable etc. Though now he urges me to wear good and look like a professional (in fact he has been asking me to buy new vests for myself since April but due to lockdown, I haven't been able to). Also for the very first time, few months back in February, it was him who took me to Raymond shop for buying a formal shirt needed for a face to face final interview round in present position. Thank you Papa. It was a lucky one and I was selected and hence wear it with even today with feelings of love and thankfulness (towards you).  

To conclude, what I have realized from the above aspects and my experiences is that we should never put a label or category on anyone including parents based on their way of parenting. They might have exhibited one aspect (may be unlikeable for one) of them at a particular stage while not manifesting several other likeable aspects till then. If we try to understand them more deeply, we would realize the other "selves" of him/her with time and thus establish more meaningful and strong relations with them. This is also why the relation between children and parents is so complicated and enigmatic yet simple, open and transparent. The moment you start feeling that I have understood them so nicely, you are going to witness a new aspect of them, perhaps needed for your development in that particular stage of life. 

Thank you Papa for everything (sweetest, most caring and best mother of the world; knowledge; support; love etc.). Happy Father's Day! I pray to God that you and Maa take care of each other, spend quality time with each other, travel together and keep on showering your blessings on me. These will make your life 2.0 (post-retirement) more beautiful and memorable. We should also celebrate all Festivals together - some at our Purnea home and some with me wherever I stay. Let us strengthen the bond between us with each passing day and celebrate everyday as Father's, Mother's and Parents Day.

 

Revisiting Golden Era Songs : Unearthing the meaning and significance of the song "Main Pal Do Pal ka Shayar hoon"

Yesterday while listening to Hindi retros, an idea came in my mind to start this blog series. This series of blogs will attempt to capture the meaning, significance and relevance of Hindi songs especially of 50's-80's era in present modern times. The reason why I have chosen this era of songs lies in my interest and liking for these songs that carried so much meaning (meaningful lyrics was the first trademark of this era songs, somewhat missing in present era). Also I am interested to propagate and convey my present and future generations about these evergreen songs. 

As they might not have been as lucky as us to get exposure to these brilliant, melodious and marvellous songs, this series can try to nudge them listen to the brilliant works of the maestros like K L Saigal, Hemanta Mukherjee/Kumar, Mukesh, Kishore Kumar, Md Rafi, Lata Mangeshkar, Asha Bhonsle etc. This might re-discover the evergreen yet lost gems and songs on one hand and on the other would make us realize the foresightedness and relevance of these songs even in present era. In case if this series gets decent review and feedback, I shall look forward to add other language songs through support of my friends. 

To start this series, I have chosen the song "Main Pal Do Pal ka Shayar hoon" from the movie "Kabhi Kabhi" (1976). The video and song should be listened before proceeding further in the blog to appreciate the content of the blog and come up with those insights in comment box that I may have missed. 

Reasons for picking this song include - it being my all time favourite song; sung by my favourite singer Mukesh Jee and most importantly because it denotes the harsh reality "ephemeral/mortal nature of human life" in all the below three verses of it. The lyrics of this song and English translation can be found on Main Pal Do Pal Ka Shayar Hoon Lyrics   

1st verse -

"Main pal do pal ka shayar hoon

pal do pal meri kahani hai pal do pal meri hasti hai pal do pal meri jawani hai main pal do pal ka shayar hoon"

This denotes the non-static or dynamic manner of human existence. We age with time and no matter how much effort one puts in, adulthood (jawani) is followed with elderly phase of everyone's life. We stay in a place or job for sometime before we shift to somewhere else (Pal Do Pal). One's image (Hasti), stature and position is for sometime (moment - Pal) and can get over anytime. Hence, the crux of this verse is to make people internalise the concept of being happy, staying positive and doing good in whatever and however one can in the status quo (present moment). 

2nd verse -

Mujhse pahele kitne shayar aaye aur aakar chaley gaye kuch anhein barkar laut gaye kuch nagme gaa kar chaley gaye woh bhi ek pal ka kissa thhey main bhi ek pal ka kissa hoon kal tumse jhuda ho jaunga jo aaj tumhara hissa hoon main pal do pal ka shayar hoon

This verse has covered the same mortal nature of human lives in a manner that touches the lives of all beings. We encounter so many people on a daily basis. They arrive on this worldly stage (as Shakespeare will call), act/perform their role and leave for others to do the same. Few become successful, famous and renowned for their works in their domain whereas many couldn't exhibit their talent due to different reasons (Kuch anhein.......nagme gaa kar chaley gaye). When one does good things in a job or society, many would appreciate and try to give immortal status to such individuals. But the truth is that there might have been many famous; more successful and intellectual persons even in the past and they too get forgotten with time. Same would be the case with the present "so-called genius and immortal persons". It's important to understand that one's existence ceases with death and hence should not expect ever-lasting life or prestige.

3rd verse -

Kal aur ayenge nagmon ki khilti kaliyan chunnewale mujhese behetar kahenewale tumse behetar sunnewale kal koi mujhko yaad karhey kyon koi mujhko yaad karhey masroof zamana mere liye kyon waqt apna barbadh kare 

main pal do pal ka shayar hoon

The last verse tries to re-establish the fact that more smart, intelligent and wise people will inhabit the earth in future (Flynn effect in psychology - As per Flynn, with increasing technology; modernisation and better nutrition & education, Intelligence Quotient (IQ) of humans increases by 10-20 points per generation). Further, it questions the correctness of expectation from society of remembering us and our works. Due to the fast changing nature of world and shrinking personal space, why should people waste their time in remembering people from the past. Instead they should cherish the works of present and nurture the coming future in making a much better world order. If one can internalise this wisdom of being without expectations/attachments , more than half of the pain and disappointment in world would vanish (Buddhist philosophy). 

For example - Parents expect discipline and respect along with support when they age from their children. If the latter are not up to the mark (even a meagre 10% deviation) in delivering these expectations, parents feel unhappy, disappointed and even start questioning their parenting. This leads to a bad relationship between the two stakeholders.

   

Hence, if one tries to capture the essence of this melodious and lyrical song in one sentence, it shall be "The dynamic life always keeps on ticking and hence we should not cling on to the minute immaterial aspects and expectations from people around". This causes nothing other than anger, pain, frustration, disappointment etc. Instead of expecting, we need to accept the beauty of human existence i.e. mortality, diversity (of views, opinions, preferences etc.) and the limited time we humans have to find the purpose of our life and lead a happy, satisfying and positive life. 

Further, whatever we are today is a product of our efforts, privilege (family status, caste) and genes we inherit. Hence, the role of several stakeholders of society can't be discounted in success of any individual. Thus, it is our moral responsibility of giving back to society whatever and however we can (without expectations of being remembered after one's existence, awards etc.). This is also the concept of Sustainable Development and CSR that need to be internalised among all humans and companies respectively for ensuring habitable conditions on this planet for humans, flora and fauna. 

To conclude, the singer through this song highlights the truth that we all become uncomfortable with "Mortal Human Life". We are bound to be vanished as we die and so do our works, especially they were self-centred and enriching. Few personalities like Gandhiji, Martin Luther, Haider Ali & Tatia Tope, Rani Lakshmi Bai, Akbar, Shivaji, singers like above etc. are still remembered and taught for their works because they were foresighted and more outward in nature (for societal purposes). But even then they might be forgotten with time or cursed for something wrong (which might have been right in that moment). Accepting the harsh truth of ephemeral and short-lived nature of our existence and our name & work can only ensure well-being and mindfulness (staying completely in present moment to live it fully with happiness and grace) in the world order.        

Positive Stories during COVID-19 at Dhanbad

This blog is not for readers to read my words but give this blog (link provided) a patient reading Helping those who had stopped even hoping The emotions have been beautifully captured by the blogger, a 14 year old sweet girl Deborah, whose father Daniel, founder of Shubh Sandesh Foundation (NGO) has joined hands with Dhanbad district administration for some crucial interventions during COVID.


The organization has worked with district administration on several aspects in this unprecedented crisis of COVID that necessitated collaboration and innovation much more than ever. Some of them include-


1. Mental health counselling - Dhanbad can be said to be one of the first districts of India that realized need for a mental health counselling platform. This was felt important due to increase in anxiety, depression and trauma of people especially students, parents, migrants etc. amidst COVID-19 and lockdown. In this background, the district administration partnered with Shubh Sandesh Foundation for a telephonic mental health counselling initiative. Till date, it has received 750+ counselling calls, weakening the taboo surrounded around such counselling help. The above blog of Deborah captures the story of the sister who was counselled by a certified counsellor of the organization.

2. "No Migrant Walks" initiative - This has its genesis from the news stories that captured thousands of migrants walking on roads all over the country. In this background, Shubh Sandesh Foundation came forward to ensure needed bus services to more than 300 migrants of Jharkhand, Bihar, West Bengal etc. till date.


3. Model Quarantine centres- Building upon these interventions, the district administration collaborated with Shubh Sandesh Foundation for making the Quarantine Centres model and excellent dwelling places for these people staying at QCs. Physical-mental wellbeing sessions, group and individual counselling or therapy etc. were conducted by the organization in these centres. This has transformed the somewhat gloomy and negative environment of QCs (earlier) into positive and happy residential institutions (presently).

Following aspects of QCs at Dhanbad have been worked upon by the organization to make them model quarantine centres:

a. Distribution of dry food items and medical kits – In order to supplement the food provided by the government at QCs, the organization provided biscuits, snacks and other food materials to these people. Also, along with dry ration, two three-layer cotton masks along with detergent and soap were also provided so that they can wash these cotton masks at regular intervals and safely use them alternately as well.

b. Arranging railway tickets for stranded people from other states – Abdul Malik (man standing below on gate of the train) and Aman (boy sitting on his berth in train) were stuck in QC for more than 40 days because they could not find avenues to return back to their homes in Kerala and UP respectively. In this regard, the organization arranged railway tickets for them and also provided necessary food and other arrangements for their smooth journey.

c. Special focus on women and children – Special attention and care has been provided to women and children. Children are being provided with Kid Kits which include cerelac, other nutritious food, drawing materials, poem book, baby mask and other necessary items. Similarly, women were provided with sanitary napkins.






d. Capturing the imagination and emotions of residents through art and poem – Painting and poem competitions are being organized at QCs. They are awarded for their active participation and many have come up with very meaningful drawings and poems to instill confidence and motivation amongst all residents and district administration. .


To conclude, what I can definitely say with confidence is that amidst all negative stories and news stories we are coming across these days especially related to COVID, there are great positive stories too. We need to find them with some effort. As negative news capture our minds more easily and thus offer media companies higher TRPs as compared to positive ones, the latter seem to be rare. But in the coming months, the former will shrink and the latter will re-emerge in the same manner as full moon replaces the darkness of new moon. The need for collaboration and empathy in society and governance have been re-established during this crisis and we shall look forward to many such associations in future as well.

Let's Kill the Demon of Depression before it hunts us

Today evening when I shared the horrific suicide news of Sushant Singh Rajput with my maid, she instantly asked me, "Bhaiya, unko kya dikkat tha. Ham gareeb log ka samajh me bhi aata hain itna tension jis karan aisa koi kare" (What issue he had? It can be understood for poor people like me who have tension leading to such an act). I replied her that all of us have issues, tension and thus might be suffering with depression to different degrees. Some of us worry about school tests, some about board results/competitive examination,  some about jobs, some about coming up with hit (in fact superhit) movies again and again and many others for livelihood, shelter, children's future etc. 

Nonetheless we battle against these worries and try to win over them using hope (of a better tomorrow) and/or care and love for people who have always showered their unconditional love (parents, friends, spouse etc.). Whatever method we adopt, we live each day with many old worries (accumulated) and new worries (newly added up). Thus, The question is how to live happily and not get entrapped by the negative thoughts during these troubling times of depression?

Depression is today as common as diabetes or hypertension or may be inhaling polluted air. The fast modern lifestyle, omnipresent technology (and social media), nuclear families (shrinking number of meaningful relationships) and decreasing patience & perseverance in present generations have all contributed in emergence of this deadly demon. We are hardly communicating to those who can empathetically listen to our worries and help us win over the evil of depression. When was the last time did you talk to your parents or siblings or spouse about your personal & professional concerns in particular or mental health in general? The answer might be "long time back" or never. I understand all of us are busy in present lifestyle but are we this busy that we can't lend our ears and shoulders to those who need them the most? 

What's more alarming in modern Eastern societies like India is that we are stuck in between the ancient wisdom or modern hassles. Earlier in India as compared to Western society, it was easier to resolve many problems at family level due to the strong bonding between family members. But now that seems to be missing more than ever. It is no more common for us to openly discuss with them because we feel we might not be understood by them or we would be judged. We say this a byproduct of "modernization" and independence. 

But what we end up doing like suicide shatters their lives much more than anything one can imagine. If one can commit suicide (which can never be an easy thing given the fact that we are so horrified with death), can't we discuss and share the causal factors that might end up forcing to commit such a tragic thing? It's high time we establish meaningful relationships with at least five such people in our lives who can always rescue us from such a phase in our lives where death feels more easier and enjoyable than life. Let's adopt a humane form of modernization where people are closely knit (interdependent) yet free and independent. Then only we would be able to enjoy success in its entirety with these people instead of feeling empty or void all alone.  

Further, comparison with the best and feeling frustrated/humiliated (oneself or by others) has always been a common thing in societies like India in general and East India in particular. It has just become more common and visible due to the omnipresent social media and technology. "Sharma Jee ka beta" stories have horrified lives of many children in schools, colleges and jobs since a long time. But after the humiliation they used to face, there was de-briefing session with grandparents or mother or sibling. Now this being absent and on the top of it, these stories have become so deep and diversified through social media (Car/Job/Girlfriend/destination wedding/Honeymoon pics etc.), we are unable to bear the pain and sorrow of not achieving as much as others. 

Moreover, psychologists like Beck and Ellis have studied depression in much detail and concluded that it is our dysfunctional beliefs, irrational cognitive appraisals and negative thoughts" that culminate into depression. Unless we challenge and change these appraisal patterns and cognitive thoughts within us, we fall into the vicious trap of depression. Also we need to substitute the negative thinking style with positive and rational one. If we succeed in it, we might live more happily and mentally healthy. 

This requires accepting the irrationality within our thought process and opening up to therapists (if needed) without any taboo. Unless we keep considering depression to be a disease or mental disorder, we might end up losing such wonderful characters. In the recent times, many sportspersons and movie stars have accepted the harsh truth of them going through "depression" and taking a break. This has helped a lot many of them in evaluating their life events (success and failure), life of a superstar, positives and negatives emanating from fame and stardust etc. Thus, the bottom line is to accept the flaws in our mental setup and re-organize the cognitive patterns before the demon hunts us. 

Finally, its important to consider success and failure (more suitable word being experiences) as crests and troughs of sine wave. Life events ought to be bumpy and we all experience both good and bad times. The former is not remembered as vividly as the latter and thus we feel that we are tested more than tasting sweet fruits of success. One can feel mentally calm and healthy by pursuing oneself in hobbies like blogging, gardening, singing, dancing etc. Also several studies have pointed out the role of spirituality and meditation as they help one in re-establishing hope and finding meaning of life.

Whenever I feel low and/or couldn't reap an expected or dreamt success, I recall the lines from "Ode to the West Wind". P.B.Shelley wrote "If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind" meaning difficult times are followed with good times. If you feel that the past has been brutal, believe me a bright present and moreover future awaits you. But if you don't battle this out, we can never ever taste the sweet fruits of our labour, effort, patience and perseverance.

Rest In Peace Sushant!!!

Exploring Racism in Indian society : Existence, Manifestation and Way Forward

White and Black are not only colours per se but they do refer to people of different races or origins. This is the base of racism that dates back to slave trade in 14th century. Africans were traded for workers in industries and plantations across oceans in a manner as we see hundreds of broiler chickens being reared and grown for meat in a closely packed space. Many could not even reach the destination due to these inhospitable and pathetic conditions and perished midway. I am not sure how their dead bodies were disposed (thrown into the vast oceans without any feeling for disgust or guilt). In fact I would be super surprised if British and other colonial nations claim to cremate/bury them. This is the genesis of white-black superiority and the former considered their responsibility to use the latter for development of world (economy, society etc.).


Based on my understanding of Indian society and discussions with few people, I feel racism in India can't be similarly placed as that of racism in US. This is because of the clear cut racial differences in US and majority (if not all) people appreciating and aware of the same. Unlike these, in India, people are grossly ignorant of different races amongst Indians viz. Aryan (North Indians), Dravidian (South Indians), Austro - Asian (tribals and aboriginals), Tibeto - Burman (Mongoloid features) and Pacific Ocean migrants (Andamans). But we can't rule out the eve-teasing incidents of North Eastern students, Africans and Andamans (like Jarawas). Are they due to conflict among different races or stereotypes about these communities and groups? They can be due to low interaction or communication between people coming from North East and rest of Indians. Different stereotypes and misconceptions might be generated on our own or through friends/media (Social/Observational Learning) leading to such ethnic strife. Same is the case for people coming from Kumaon and Garhwal region in Uttarakhand who are misconstrued as "Nepalis".


In this background, how should we categorise above acts of Indians - racist or mere ignorance? There can be a thin line between the two and deep psychological biases and prejudices may be the cause for such remarks by both aware as well as ignorant beings. Moreover, there has been hardly any emphasis at any level be it family, school, college, work, where one has been made aware of the flip side of using such denigrating and degrading remarks. In fact this "ignorance or unawareness" has been channelized by different groups in colonies, schools, colleges, workplaces etc. with vested (political, social, economic) interests to cause ethnic strife and conflicts.


Recently after Darren Sammy accused few players of using racist remarks that he couldn't comprehend then due to the language (Hindi). Instagram post of an Indian cricketer has triggered "Kalu" trending on Twitter (Twitter Trending #kalu). As many especially foreigners have construed this as racist comment/term, it has its genesis in White (Gora) - Dark/Black (Kala) divide and Indians' crave for the former (while denigrating the latter). Undoubtedly, the term has derogatory connotation and should not be used for anyone. But does it signify the racial hatred that is imminent in other racial attacks at US including the recent attack on George Floyd? It may or may not be the example of racism but something else. Many consider the usage of this term in India as banter/friendly gesture and informal way of denoting the skin colour of close friends without any feeling of hatred or bad against the other individual. At the same time, it is noteworthy to mention that this term is used for dark skinned individuals but its antonym (gora - white/fair) isn't used as often as the former. Can this be termed as colourism and not racism in Indian context? This demands a thorough anthropological, sociological and psychological analysis and studies, and is thus beyond the scope of this blog.


Finally, what is most crucial to highlight based on above instances and frequent news reports of attacks on people from North East and Africa is the low level of empathy and emotional sensitivity in modern humans. We expect someone to give a shoulder when we are hurt or sad, but intentionally and unintentionally are involved in such activities which seem to indicate our emotional bluntness and apathy. There are many that consider racism and casteism to be blood brothers (Racism and Casteism Blood Brothers). Ambedkar and Jyotiba Phule have spoken on this and more studies might be needed for establishing a clear cut connection between the two. Way forward, in the recent times, something that is very disturbing has been observed all over the world including in the democracies like US, Austria, Finland, Hungary, India etc. It is the correlation between the increase in frequency of ethnic & casteist conflicts and rise of right-wing ideological parties. This will be more disturbing if causation gets established between the two. Certainly it will then throw more difficult challenges for the world especially in present times of pandemic when we should have been together more than ever.

To conclude, it is difficult to gauge the nature of racism (if it exists) in India.  If yes, is it manifested in the same way as that in US (including recent George Floyd incident) seems a bit doubtful. Other factors like less interaction or poor communication (unlike US), people's ignorance and stereotypes (all these three related to each other) seem to complicate the manifestation of racism in India. Thus, what we witness i.e. ethnic strife in India might be actually borne out of other social, religious, political, economic factors and not racism per se. More wisdom and research in this stream will help the future decipher the topic in a much better manner. 

No matter what these studies would point out in future, today what matters the most is realising and embracing the fact that "Black lives matter" as much as white lives. In present world setup, nothing can substantiate or justify the subjugation of the former by latter. If we can't ensure even self respect and dignity to these people (despite mentioning all those "good words" in UN charter and constitutions of democratic nations like India, US etc.), it's a shame on the world order and humanity (so called technocrat and intellectual beings). Let's pledge to treat all humans in a just, fair and respectful manner.

The Elephant - Pineapple Tragic Incident

Almost all of us have been following the sad and heinous act of humans where a pregnant elephant died (in fact was killed) after she was served a pineapple stuffed with crackers. The explosion (triggered by the lunatics involved) killed her and the baby elephant in her stomach. It is a murder of two lives (if humans consider animals' lives of any significance and worth discussion). This blog tries to cover some aspects arising from this cruel incident committed by "powerful and insensitive humans". 

One of the important aspects is of course "animal rights". Right to Life (Article 21) guarantees Indian citizens a life with dignity. Similarly, Human Rights too cover such natural rights for human inhabitants all across the world. But do we extend such inalienable rights to animals? If yes, as a society how should we see this tragic incident? Does it reflect erosion of human values and respect for fellow living beings including birds, animals etc.? Another aspect the blog tries to cover is should all residents of Kerala be blamed for this heinous act. Wouldn't this be an example of stereotyping (generalisation/oversimplified explanation)?

Animal right activists and organisations like PETA have been vocal about adoption of stricter laws against wildlife crimes. India too realised this in 1970's-80's and brought landmark legislations and constitutional amendments. Today even when we have laws (Wildlife Protection Act 1972), institutions (Wildlife Crime Control Bureau) etc., we witness thousands of wildlife crimes (poaching) and deaths of animals due to humans and not natural causes like electrocution etc. This elephant killing is one of them that validates the poor implementation of wildlife laws and prosecutions under them. Unless deterrence value (fear of jail and hefty fines) is established in the minds of such lunatic people, these incidents might continue with different animals like elephants, tigers, cows (no religious aspect intended) etc. 

A related aspect to killing animals and birds also brings to the fore a topic of great interest. If the mighty elephants and tigers are killed by humans, they become more highlighted as compared to small and petty animals/birds (fishes/goats/hens/duck etc.). If this is the case, animals too have been categorised into superior and inferior breeds based on their size, value, power etc., similar to that in humans. Vegetarianism and moreover the post-modern "Vegan" food revolution is based on the pillars of animal rights and human health (more prominence). If it was the former that drove these concepts, humans might have gained understanding and sensitivity towards animals by now. But as it is due to vested  interest of "selfish humans" who have realised through health researchers that life might be more prolonged and healthy by adopting "Vegan lifestyle".  

Extending the selfish narrative, more deeper and core aspect related wildlife crimes in the very first place is "human domination on earth". This requires superior humans to kill/destroy/harm other inhabitants (weak/black humans and other natural elements like flora, fauna etc.). In this bid to dominate and emerge as the most powerful, humans have exceeded all limits, as evident from this heinous and pathetic act of people. Something that drives them to do so is also "violence". As per several studies, humans have inherent interest in violence and aggression (Freud, Miller etc). When we get involved in such violent acts, we cross the bar and commit such acts as occurred in Kerala.

Now this brings to the other important aspect highlighted by people on social media. Many Facebook and Twitter posts have attributed this incident to "Lack of Common Sense and Moral values" in Kerala residents despite better educational parameters. Kerala has been a model state for several reasons be it Kerala Covid model, Kudumshree (Women SHGs), highest literacy rate, population control, remittance earner, Left government etc. Now when the whole nation is generalising (stereotyping) Kerala and its residents due to this tragic and heinous act, it also shows how insensitive and prejudiced humans are. The state has been in news for several good and bad reasons in recent times. But through these posts, many a people are trying to highlight this criminal act with political intent and interest. This is highly insensitive, immature and pathetic of us. Undoubtedly the state government should find the lunatics and frame serious charges against them, no one should mix religion/politics/ideology with this incident of insensitive humanity.

Finally, something that is most satisfying in recent days is the unbelievable support to the pregnant elephant even after she can not witness people's love for her and fellow animals. More than 10 lakh people have supported thousands of petitions across the world and are voicing their concerns against brutality of humans towards animals. But we are hypocrites. We would sign petitions from one hand, and relish non-vegetarian delicacies with another. In fact I am one of such hypocrites who can not witness hens being cut but find chicken to be tasty food. On the one hand, I have made up my mind to quit non-veg, I haven't done till now. But still I am voicing my concerns against animal rights, shows the element of hypocrisy in me. Billions of such hypocrites inhabit our planet and out of them fall the category of lunatic perpetrators who might indulge in these heinous crimes. I am sure many of us possess the "human love for fellow beings - humans, birds and animals" and would never commit such crimes. Let's pledge to spread this message and ensure peaceful co-existence of all beings on Earth!

  

Significance of Parents and Responsibility of Children in today's world

As a single child, I have been brought up in a very closed (protective) system. This is also why I am closer to my parents especially my mother as compared to my friends. Right from the day I can recall memories, it has been these two entities - PARENTS - Mother and Father who have always stood, trusted, listened, corrected and believed me (and my abilities). But despite this, do we (or even try to)  establish deep and meaningful conversations with them? Few days back, it was "Global Day of Parents" (can be construed as Father's Day + Mother's Day). In this background, through this blog, I intend to discuss on the significance of parents in today's era (if any) and our responsibilities (if not duties) as children.

Parents constitute the most crucial aspect in psycho-social development of child, as per all developmental psychologists (be it Piaget, Vygotsky, Bronfenbrenner etc.). Vygotsky termed "social scaffolding" through children can bridge the gap between their potential and actual abilities (cognitive, linguistic etc.). Other psychologists like Berry and Hess have found that children inherit many aspects including our habits and aspirations. But there is a catch here. If parents are low in aspirations, it has been found in few researches that children too lack aspirations and hence are found wanting in working hard. Poverty, illiteracy and low aspirations have been found to be correlated in such studies and ASER study 2018. On the other hand, if parents are high in aspirations, children may suffer as they might not be living or pursuing their dreams but those of their parents (IITJEE/IAS craze). Nevertheless, aspirations are important for parents, children but also for society and nation to constantly grow and achieve new milestones. Hence, whatever we are today might not have been possible without their support (genes, environment, scaffolding etc.).

But, do we consider parents and conversations with them of any significance in these challenging and changing modern lives? Though technology has potential to make the world closer and connected, haven't we moved away from homes and them? When was the last time you had an open communication with parents irrespective of medium? How much comfortable children feel while talking or having a face-to-face conversation with their parents these days? This short movie or advertisement (The Homecoming) is my favourite due to its relatable content. A disciplinarian father - emotional mother - child triangular relationship has been very beautifully captured. As I have witnessed this since childhood, I can appreciate son's relation with such a father. During schooling, I respected him more due to fear. But today I am frank and open enough to discuss matters with him on varied socio-economic-political aspects. With my mother, I always had deep and meaningful relation. As a single child, parents become too protective and hence she is my first and oldest friend. Unless such open dialogue and communication gets restored in such relationships, trust; mutual understanding and love can't be strengthened between children and parents.

The above video and paragraph also capture an aspect that is the core of present parenting style in Indian society - Fear (Father) and Love (Mother) with male child and vice-versa for female child. The former is reinforced through Punishment at regular intervals. Society perceives this as the best way to discipline children, but does it make them disciplined or resistant to change? Based on my limited experiences, I feel we need to work in this regard together as a society. Parenting style of US, Europe discourage beating/slapping (positive punishment) children and prefer negative reinforcement. These terms are used in "learning topic" by psychological researchers too. As per studies, negative reinforcement i.e. withdrawal of pleasurable stimulus when child commits mistake is more suitable in long run for good habit formation and strengthening. For ex- taking away TV remote when child used foul language while watching his favourite cartoon makes him understand and internalise his mistake "of bad language". This has found to be more effective and sustainable manner of teaching right things/habits to kids as they are active participants in this style as compared to passive in above.

If parents can re-assess their parenting styles by being more aware of the surroundings and changing world, can't children re-evaluate their responsibilities in such a world? With increasing life expectancy, parents might live all alone for 20+ years after retirement. This should be Life 2.0 for them where they spend quality time with their spouses and children. But due to changing work environment and migration, children are living far away from parents in metropolitan cities of India and abroad. Parents, even when they want to stay with children, feel would not be able to fit in this ecosystem. This leads to increasing distance (physical, mental, social) between them. Video calls and WhatsApp can bridge this partially, but do we intend to do? I know many of my friends who don't even feel a need to call parents every day in morning (before work or during work). Parents, being too understanding, don't disturb children until they can wait and expect "just a call". Even when they do call, we as children might rage against them in the name of "wrong time to talk - office work etc." or get involved in a superficial talk (Kaise ho, Kya khaaye, dhyan rakhna i.e. How are you, what did you have, Take care). Is it fair on our part not to participate in a meaningful and deep conversation on call or any mode with the parents? Understanding the fact that they won't judge us like others, we should attempt making inroads in this direction, no matter how difficult it can be.

The world in present crisis realised the need for social bonding and relationships when we were forced to stay indoors. Many parents-children might have developed good rapport and deepened their relationships in these times (blessing in disguise). Many more might have understood need for "deep and unconditional relationship" with family and friends. Mental health in these months during lockdown has been discussed widely to be dependent on healthy and true relationships. Even before COVID, in present fast-paced lifestyle, we need to nurture our relationships with family to be more calm, happy and healthy. I would not term this as our duty, but our responsibility towards ourselves first and then parents. The well-being of us, our children and grand-children depends on our relationship with our parents. Are we ready to make the first move in establishing and deepening our relationship with our parents? This is our responsibility and we should accept it as a New Year (Global Parent's Day) challenge for us to be more blissful for lifetime.

Part II - My takeaways from UPSC CSE preparation

First of all, special thanks to all of you who read, commented, appreciated and critically analysed my blog Part I. In fact few asked me when I am going to come up with this second part (as many of us waited for new episodes of GoT or sequels of Batman movie). Nothing can be more satisfying for an amateur to get such a response. Thank You.

When I was writing Part I, initially I had not thought that I would come up with this Part II. But while writing the former, I realised that I should divide my experiences of this coveted examination into two parts - My journey and My takeaways. The former has covered my journey and concluded with the very fact that even when one might not taste success (which all aspirants yearn and dream for), its important to internalise that destiny has some other plans for you. Building upon this, this part II will try to analyse several aspects including aspirants' personal and professional lives (and sacrifices) during preparation and how an aspirant responds (or should respond) after not making into civil services. Thus, this blog would try to cover few perspectives for living happily and contributing to make the world a better place everyday no matter what one does after this preparation journey is over.

First of all, analysing WHY one wants to become a civil servant is most crucial before one starts preparing and risking one's prime years of life (20's). If one gets a clear answer to this question, one should start preparing without thinking about its outcome. This is because Erikson (psychologist) in his psycho-social stages terms the final stage as "Ego integrity vs Despair". He says when humans are in their 60's-70's, they try to evaluate life opportunities they faced/encountered v/s those missed out/neglected. If the former outweighs the latter, one experiences "Ego Integrity" and thus ageing happily. Otherwise, it is a case of despair and those individuals regret a lot when they can't do even a bit regarding those life events. Thus, if one wanted to prepare for CSE and didn't do because of fears like instability in life (quit job) and money (salary), one might experience "despair". But if one prepared and no matter what was the outcome, one would experience "ego integrity" and have no regrets for future ("Kaash/Shayad"- What if).

Secondly, it is very important to assess one's personality for clear understanding whether one would fit in the system if selected or not. Bureaucracy is not a job suitable (or meant) for all. Unless an individual has a passion for community service and is confident of exhibiting work commitment and dedication despite political and bureaucratic hassles on daily basis, one might feel suffocated and restricted. Some people are too sensitive to not be able to act on policies that are unemotional or lack empathy (Stranded Labour paying train tickets). Some might fit into IAS job role and many might not be able to comprehend and enjoy the works involved in IAS profile. The latter might feel IFS or MBA corporate work to be more intellectually stimulating, free and better lifestyle.

Thirdly, its desirable to have a Plan B or back-up plan in case if it doesn't materialise. Since success rate is 800/5,00,000 (0.1%), if possible, one should ponder on this before jumping into the battlefield (Kurushetra) of UPSC. There are many aspirants with zero year work experience and 5-6 years of study experience (UPSC CSE). They start doubting on their abilities irrespective of their past glories and successes (like IIT/NIT/Gold Medalist etc.). They are later found falling in the trap of Government exams- UPSC-SPSC-SSC-Bank PO etc. because they fear which company would offer them a job after such a long break. Even when they can perform excellently in any service line or area they choose, they are reluctant and under-confident of entering into such arenas and fall in the easy but not suitable job profile.     

Fourthly, the exam is noteworthy for evaluating how many and which type of "Personal sacrifices" one can sustain or bear. Example- Relationships with world (asocial life without regular calls/chats/messages); Staying aloof of the modern developments in fast changing present world like Tiktok/Tinder (even if one tries to use them, one feels bad due to mind stuck in preparations and thus can't enjoy it freely). Similarly, one might have to bear "Professional sacrifices" too. Example- Several friends of mine who were getting attractive packages (even 50 LPA) in reputed organisations quit for CSE. Few of them have not made into the services despite 3-4 attempts not because they are incapable but because all of us can't get selected due to different reasons associated with the exam.  

Finally, this brings to an important aspect that has been touched in the last few lines of preceding paragraph and would also be covered in the following paragraph. It is a question that comes to mind while preparing and especially when results are out no matter one appeared or not. The question is "Kya mera ho paayega jab uska nahi hua" (Would I be able to crack this exam when s/he couldn't). Based on my limited understanding and experiences in this field, this exam should never be perceived in this manner. This is because of subjective nature of this exam. Its an examination of 2025 marks - 1800 Mains i.e. 4 GS papers (1000 marks), 2 optional papers (500 marks) and Essay (300 marks) and 275 Interview (PT). The former is highly subjective due to the very fact that marking may be decided by several extraneous factors that are beyond the control of aspirant like mood of evaluator; performance of the subject that year etc. The latter is also subjective to an extent as the marks one scores in PT may increase or decrease by 20-30 marks based on the interview board (UPSC Chairman/members) one gets. Some boards make this PT as stress interview, some as factual Q&A round, some as Situation based interview and some try to incorporate all these aspects based on an interviewee's DAF (perhaps addresses the demand of PT most suitably). This increases the subjectivity of the testing methodology and "luck factor" takes front-seat.  

Finally, an aspect I feel I should cover in this blog based on the comments I have received on my Part-I is "Life beyond UPSC". As aspirants, we think there is no job or life apart from UPSC in general and IAS in particular (which is fine to stay motivated and dedicated). This is why those who are even selected in civils but don't get IAS are found either trapped in the cycle of exam (EOL or frustration in that very service which one hadn't intended to join). But this becomes even more important for those who don't make into the list. They start considering themselves to be "failures" and start doubting on their capabilities, talents and intelligence. But this is not true as UPSC CSE doesn't validate or falsify one's potentials and intelligence (I was reminded of this by a very close individual whom I greatly appreciate for his humility and mentorship). It is an exam that checks few parameters (really subjective to point out them objectively here) to select 800-1000 odd aspirants. Those who get selected must have done something aligned to UPSC's requirements or criteria of evaluating candidates suitable for civil servants (I don't know what - perhaps as coaching institutes would answer this as good writing practice; conceptual clarity; sharp improvisation; addressing the key words of question and connecting it with different aspects of syllabus etc.). But the opposite is not true due to several well-known reasons like UPSC's methodology of examination; poor marking of an optional paper (Public Administration from 2012-15); "Just a bad day" on the day of Prelims/Mains/Interview etc.

Thus, to conclude this blog series "My UPSC CSE preparation - Journey and Learning for life", I would try to discuss what and how one can view this exam vis-à-vis "life" in general. Can we sum up our life under a single criterion like UPSC or IAS? I feel even those who are senior IAS officers might have experienced several life changing events not at work but may be during a trek or travel. This is because life goes much beyond success or so-called failure in any exam or job. There are thousands of civil servants who are doing splendid work in whichever service they were allotted. But there are also thousands of those who are not satisfied in the work they are doing and in fact had not expected the job of civil servant to be like this. Thus, those who don't make into the list should internalise the experiences and learning gained during UPSC CSE preparation to live "mindfully" throughout the life. Staying in the present moment with motivation to keep contributing constantly however and wherever one gets an opportunity to would lead to shaping as well as enriching our personal and professional lives. Having heard about as well as observed many of such aspirants like me who couldn't crack this exam, I can tell one thing with conviction which is "Our happiness and satisfaction in life is decided by how we respond in difficult and challenging circumstances and life events". I am sure many like me who couldn't enter into civil services would find many different and meaningful paths and opportunities to engage and contribute for building a better world.

Learning from UPSC Civil Services Preparation : Failure or Experiences- Part I - My journey in CSE

Almost all of us might have been an aspirant sometime in our lives for job or competitive college entrance exam. We always strive to crack that very exam because it would validate and confirm one's hard work and intelligence (Doubtful in many exams though). Even when a handful of them (hundreds or thousands) only crack the exam every year, all those who had prepared would dream (and pray) for one's success. Those who fail to be pass or clear, really feel heartbroken, frustrated and generally abuse (question) the Almighty (at least those who are theists). What do you feel should be the term for these people who couldn't make into their dream universities or jobs : Failures or Experienced guys?

Without stretching the background any further, let's come to the main agenda of the blog which is "Learning from Civil Services Examination preparation (IAS)". In this Part-I of the blog, I have focused on "My journey in CSE" which has been a bit cruel (and perhaps unlucky at least for me). It can be summed up as below-

2015- Prelims- Missed the cutoff by 15 marks- Had attempted the exam to understand its nature and difficulty level during my job itself.

2016- Prelims- Missed the cutoff this year by 1.33 marks. Heartbreak moment though not very much as I was still working.

2017- Prelims Qualified. Gave Mains and missed interview call by 9 marks. This was more difficult to digest as I wanted to appear in Interview (Personality Test as they call) and at least assess my Personality. But as there was scope for more hard work and writing practice (crucial these days), I decided to prepare one more time with more zeal and vigour.

2018- Prelims and Mains Qualified. Interview went really amazing and based on the transcript I wrote (shared here in my last blog) many veterans in this field had guessed that I should score something close to 200 in it. Finally, after several rumours about declaration of result, it came on 5th April 2019 at 7pm. After one has almost traversed one year in the exam, not finding one's name is as tragic as dismissal of Sachin in 2003 World Cup Final in first over. To make it more pathetic, there was a Nitin Kumar in the list but it wasn't me. But before I could make others understand this, many congratulatory messages had arrived. Now rejection became more bitter. This rejection was most painful in my journey of CSE. I had almost imagined this time to get into it as I had given a lot of effort in all aspects of the examination.

Further, I waited for a month to see the marksheet and know what led to my debacle this time. I had scored 179 in interview (fairly decent), 134 in essay (155 was highest this year and 130+ scores were rare) and 416 in GS (410+ was considered to be very good this year). Thus, it was only one single paper of 500 marks (Optional- Psychology) in this exam of 2025 (1800 Mains+275 Interview) that ruined my chances and shattered my dreams. I scored only 241 (lower than last year's 253 even when I had worked on it much more smartly than that attempt). I missed getting into the list by 13 marks (40-50 marks to become IAS). It was possible to score this much perhaps some other day with another evaluator checking my paper because I had scored well in test series. As we humans like to attribute cause for any event, I too tried to find the reasons for this poor performance of mine in Psychology. These can be several - poor performance of mine (Paragraph style vs point wise style of writing); evaluator's mood; average performance of the subject (230-250 in recent years) etc. None can assign one correct reason for the same (Can't see my copy as per SC's directive under RTI).

The moment this heartbreak happened at 7pm on Friday the 5th April, 2019, the very first thing that I think I had done was seeing the idols of Gods and Goddesses in my room. I asked them what bad I had done in life that my dream was snatched away after I came so close (5+ lakh appeared in Prelims- 10k in Mains and less than 2k in Interview). I wanted a reply from the Almighty that has answers to all questions, but there was none. In the meanwhile, I attended dozen of calls and listened to people's sympathy and encouraging words (Koi baat nahi, agle baar pakka hoga tumhara i.e. No issues dude, next time you will rock for sure). Next time was a bigger disaster and heartbreak.

2019- Prelims Qualified. Mains not qualified. This year I did all experimentation and P&C (Permutation and Combination) to change my fortunes. I shifted to Bangalore for a couple of months, changed my strategy a bit in GS and heavily focused this year on Psychology, the villain in 2018 attempt. As I had devoted a significant time in Psychology this year and had imbibed several aspects that had been rewarded in the past (based on Toppers' test papers and experiences), I was very confident of scoring 280+ in it. If I would have done so, based on my GS scores for the last 2 attempts and test series performance this year, I was sure of getting an interview call. But life had designed another unexpected and surprise or breaker for me. Mains Results out and I was also out of this examination. The day of result was 15th January, 2020. It's a festive day of Makar Sankranti on which people in our Eastern India (Mithilanchal, Bihar) eat delicacies like Chura (Flaked rice/ Poha), Dahi (Curd), Lai, Tilkut, Til Laddu etc. Before I could have engulfed these, the results on 14th midnight (1.34 am) had broken my dream of entering into civil services again (apart from enjoying the tasty delicacies of the day). Now I was very clear, it is high time to move on (from this relationship with CSE) and no more fall in the trap of "one more time" (as I had one attempt still left).

Thus, this has been my journey in UPSC CSE where I was able to reach all its stages but couldn't clear the final stage. Hence, one can term these years as years of failure or experiences that can shape me and my future in a better manner. Undoubtedly, I have amassed a lot of knowledge in Polity, Economics, International Affairs, Disaster Management, Psychology etc. But a question that comes at the same time is, "Whether there is any tangible or short term utility of this?" Whether I will be able to use this knowledge in non-civil servant life (though many question its utility even for civil servants)? Such questions are thought-provoking and difficult to answer many a times. But one thing is certain I would have no repents or regret of not preparing for an exam that I really wanted to crack and join as an IAS. After working on ground with government (IAS) for about 3 years, I really wanted to become so and touch upon the lives of millions of people especially vulnerable sections. But I could not.

Today, I have readily accepted the old adage "If you don't get what you desired or dreamt, Destiny has some other plans for you". Let's see what we have in destiny and how we move towards that thing is something very important and crucial. This is where its important for the individual to be confident, patient and lively to shape one's career, life and destiny in future. These get decided based on one's perception of the journey in such exams as Failure or beautiful and memorable experiences for lifetime. I am trying to imbibe the latter today in whatever I am doing. I will share some insights on this in Part II of this blog very soon.

Let's exhibit patience, perseverance and emotional intelligence in these hardship & uncertain times (especially for aspirants of 2020 CSE). It too shall pass by and we would shine again like a diamond very soon.               

UPSC Civil Services Mains 2018-19 Interview Transcript

Board: M Sathiyavathy Madam (IAS AGMUT 1982; Member since April’18; referred as CW below)

Date of interview: 15.02.2019 (Forenoon Session)

Background:                                                                                                                     

-       PMRDF (2014-17)

-       ACC Limited (2013-14)

-       Educational Qual: Masters in Development Practice, TISS Mumbai; B. Tech Mining Engineering, IIT ISM Dhanbad

-       4^th attempt- 2 mains 1* interview; Optional= Psychology

-       Hobbies- Mindfulness Exercises, Blogging, Public Speaking and Volunteering

-       Native Bihar

CW: While reading aloud my DAF says, I (me) come from Purnea, Bihar. Stops and asks Isn’t Purnea in Bengal?

I said no madam its in the eastern part of Bihar. Then she asks does it border Bengal. I reply in affirmative.

She completed reading aloud my DAF in a minute and asked following in the middle:

CW: What is PMRDF, is it still running, how is it different from aspirational district fellowship.

Me: Spoke few lines on this as felt that CW was interested in knowing about it (Seeing the salary, she asked who appointed it. Answered it in a line.)

CW: What is this Mindfulness exercise (my interest)?

Me: I defined it and added what I do under it.

CW: What was your contribution in PMRDF for three years at Sitamarhi?

Me: I mentioned my contribution in implementation of some government schemes

a. Swachh Bharat Mission- I spoke around 40secs on my contribution and Sitamarhi’s unique aspects in the campaign against open defecation.

She intervened and asked how many toilets did I make?

Me: district adm+community institutions constructed 1.2 lakh toilets app.

CW: Utilisation status(percentage)?

Me- 85% (I said so despite Sitamarhi being Bihar’s 1^st ODF district of Bihar as I felt that she wanted to listen from me the true ground realities and not facts and figures which she might be very aware of how they are compiled)

CW: Is water available in the toilets?

Me- Yes (district admin focus on mandatory water availability in toilet designs through water chambers made along with toilet superstructure)

CW: Isn’t 85% an exaggerated number?

Me- This figure of 85% is based on the district verification team and feedback from community leaders like mukhiya/sarpanch.

But in a field visit, I found a hamlet of 80 HHs where no family was using toilet. When I enquired, people said, “Sir kuch log aaye the and bana diye humse bina puche” (Few people came and built toilets for me without any consultation and talks). Discussion with them resulted in people coming with “Low cost no cost toilet model” which can be made without bricks, cement etc. and only materials like tar container are used. Later when I visited this hamlet after 2-3 months, I found people using toilets. So, as per me, water availability and community participation in toilet model and planning are crucial in toilet utilization (I spoke this as I had felt from Madam’s Q1 that she had a clear idea of the ground issues and manipulation of data)

CW: Ok now lets come to the second scheme

Me- Yes madam, it was Jeevika (Bihar State Rural Livelihood Mission). I described in few lines and a story about the role and importance of Jeevika SHG didis in the GPs.

CW intervened to ask, “What was your contribution in this”?

Me: My contribution was:

a.    Coordinating with banks to get SHG bank account linked; DM, DPM Jeevika and me working on this front

b.    Livelihood of didis- Lehthi is a local bangle made in Sitamarhi-Muzaffarpur area. I tried to help the interested members in working on this aspect.

M1: Ok so you have been a Finance Minister, Model Youth Parliament. Tell me what is the present problem between FM and RBI. Don’t you feel its very bad which led to resignation of Governor of RBI? What is your opinion?

Me: Both FM and RBI are important institutions for Indian economy. RBI-FM problem is on few aspects like

a.    Reserves (Economic capital framework) transfer from RBI to government

b.    NBFC liquidity

c.     PCA framework

I mentioned the perspectives of both in a line on above aspects and summed up by saying that I feel that both of them need to collaborate for economy to grow in the long run.

M1: Ok. Tell me Basel3 is to be implemented in Indian banks but it requires great amounts of capital that I feel we don’t have. So, don’t you feel RBI did right by not transferring money to government? Would we be able to achieve Basel3?

Me: Yes madam, it’s a tough challenge for FM and RBI to capitalize indian banks as per basel3 norms. But RBI is already doing good in this aspect by keeping CAR norms at 9% despite Basel 3 demanding 8% only. So we are moving in right direction and in coming  years, FM and RBI will be able to capitalize the banks as per Basel 3 norms

M2: You left the fellowship to prepare for UPSC. Don’t you feel that it would have created a void in the district?

Me: Sorry Sir. But it was unfortunate on my front to leave the fellowship as it got over after 3 years. So I started preparation for UPSC.

M2: OK then let me rephrase my question. Don’t you feel there lies some inbuilt mechanism through which works are executed at the grassroots? How do you see your leaving the fellowship then in Sitamarhi?

Me: Yes Sir, there is an inbuilt mechanism like PRI i.e. mukhiya/ sarpanch who implement the schemes at grassroots with the district admin. Professional support through young fellows like PMRDF, Aspirational district, Swachh Bharat Prerak etc. has been also important in this regard. As far as Sitamarhi is concerned, Sir I have to go back and see its status.

M2- Have you heard about line departments?

Me- Yes Sir, there are diff line departments at district like PHED, DRDA, Education (SSA, RMSA), Health etc.

M2: Yes departments like agriculture and animal husbandry etc. So tell me have you heard about “Mera gaon, Mera Gaurav” scheme?

Me: Yes Sir, Its an scheme under which agricultural scientists adopt the farms of the farmers and help them in modern agricultural practices. I worked on this aspect not under this scheme during PMRDF when I approached Agricultural university of Samastipur and KVKs of Sitamarhi to bring them closer to farmers on Organic farming and gobar gas.

M2: How can this scheme be helpful in solving the issues of rural areas?

Me: Farm extension services, awareness of farmers etc. I found marginal farmers have 1-2 cattle which can be useful for increasing their incomes. Cow dung is considered generally as waste but it is wealth through organic farming and gobar gas. The outputs of it include cooking fuel, electricity. M2 intervened by asking there is something else also as a product. I said yes sir, it is manure which can be used in the fields. Thus, in such a manner, rural issues from low awareness to farm extension, cleanliness etc can be solved through this scheme.

M2: Have you heard about vermi-composting?

Me- Yes Sir, it is a type of composting in which earthworms eat and digest cow dung in 40-45 days to yield manure for the farms.

M2: Nitin Gadkari, Min for Road transport always focuses about cement roads construction. What is your take on cement roads v/s tar roads?

Me- Yes Sir, Cement roads are better than tar roads in few aspects like

a.    Durability- In flood prone areas where water stays on roads, cement roads are found to be more durable than tar roads.

b.    Aesthetic appeal- In Sitamarhi, I can remember people saying that “Humlogo ko ujli sadak chahiye kaali wali nahi” (we need white/grey roads and not black ones) {I wasn’t getting something else then so spoke this which people used to say in villages)

M2- Negatives of cement roads?

Me: Sorry sir I can’t recall.

M2: But you are from cement sector (because I had worked for 10 months in ACC cements, so he was asking me this)

Me: Sorry sir, I can’t recall. I would go back and read about it.

M2: something wear tear, can you recall?
Me- I reiterated the above…go back and read….

M2- Okay. No problem.

M3: You were coordinator of NGO named FFI. Tell us something about it.

Me: Fast Forward India was an NGO run in college by IIT ISM Dhanbad students. It comprised of 4 projects…… described them in brief.

M3: You said that you were working in Naxal district Sitamarhi. What do you feel is the solution to Naxalism?

Me: Sir the solution in my view lies in bridging the development and governance deficit in such areas. In Sitamarhi, after the district admin reached out to such areas and communities where LWE was prevalent, today it is no more a Naxal district. Other programmes like Sarkar apke dwaar of Bihar have been helpful in this regard. Other aspects like security through community policing may be needed.

M4: What is PMJDY and its performance in Bihar?

Me: PMJanDhanY is a financial inclusion scheme starting from opening of a bank a/c to Aadhar seeding to insurance schemes to Ru-Pay card. It is now being used also for availing the subsidy and govt schemes like Ujjawala, pension etc. As far as my knowledge on its performance in Bihar is concerned,  it has been good in southern bihar districts but not that good in north and west bihar districts (I had no data to answer this question and so gave this one liner which was not made a base to ask any counter question)

M4: Tell us some schemes related to women?

Me: In recent times, women have been kept in the centre of the beneficiaries of government schemes like Ujjwala where LPG gas is allotted in the name of women as the head of the HH. Other schemes related to women include ICDS (nutrition), Ujjawala (rehabilitation of victims of violence), Nirbhaya fund (safety, protection and empowerment), RMNCH (maternal health) etc.

M4: If you become FM of India, how would you do budgeting among different departments?

Me: As a FM my focus would be on some departments like-

a.    Education and Skill development- I would allot 6-7% of GDP on thsis sector as India is at a cusp of demographic dividend.

b.    Health- allot 5-6% GDP as the world is ageing and we are growing

c.     Women and elderly- Population increasing of elderly and will be almost 10% of country in coming decades. So we need to work on them from now only.

d.    Agriculture and allied activities- As about 50% workforce is still in agriculture, it is important to work on modernization of agriculture like horticulture etc.

M4: What about youth and agriculture?

Me: Yes Sir, youth and agriculture can be seen together as government has a scheme called ARYA under which it aims to attract and retain youth in agriculture. This will be helpful in creating agri entrepreneurship and startups. Youth alone needs to be focused through initiatives like Nehru Yuva Kendra Sangathan. I found them not to be very much functional in Sitamarhi, so they can be rejuvenated.

M4: How can happiness be a part of budgetary process and planning?

Me: Sir as per me, happiness comes to a person or community in this aspect when s/he is made a part of the budgetary or planning process. Under IPPE of MGNREGS, I found that people in Sitamrhi really felt happy and empowered when their views were considered in labour budget creation.

M4: Is there any country where happiness is a part of such budgetary process?

Me: Sir, Bhutan has Gross national happiness which includes happiness in national budgetary accounts. (He seemed not so happy and I felt he may be expecting some other country name). So I added that Scandinavian countries like Finland, Denmark, Norway also consider happiness in their budgetary process. (He seemed to be more satisfied and said Okay. Good.

CW: OK. Thank You. Your interview is over. I also said Thank You and left the interview.

Felt fine after I came out of the room. But also had this feeling that I wasn’t asked about so many things like GS, Psycho, state specific que etc. Now lets wait and watch for the result and marks. All the best to all.