Thanks or No Thanks

Recently on Father's Day (21st June), I realized from social media posts of my friends that there are three categories of children. First who celebrated it as a special day expressing their love and gratitude towards their father, second who questioned the relevance and utility of the day (Boycotted like Bajrang Dal on Valentine Day) and third who posted nothing related to this day and considered it to be just another day. All of them might be completely correct in their own ways with their own rationale and logic. But it made me ponder on following important (yet not so discussed) aspects - 

- Relevance of Days like father's day/mother's day - Is it worthwhile or worthless?
- Should we appreciate the sacrifice and hardships made by our parents through such posts?
- Should we convey our gratitude and thank them? Or should we extend the same concept of "Dost ko koi thank you bolta hn" (No thanks among friends) to parents as well?

This blog tries to capture these aspects I found worth discussing with all of you to understand more and better these dimensions and emotions. In fact this time I also tried to bring the perspectives of both stakeholders in this relationship (parents and children). While talking to my mother yesterday and my maid today, I asked what is their take on above pointers to be able to do some justice in this blog. I want all those who read this piece to comment for endorsing/questioning my views as expressed here. This "intellectual and emotional feasting" might benefit the parents and children in particular and future mankind in general (if we survive after COVID).


Relevance of days like Father's Day/Mother's Day can be viewed with this objective that in the modern era, we have become so distant, secluded, busy and selfish (if I can use it) that perhaps we need such days to owe our gratitude and respect to our fathers/mothers etc. Though it is not wrong that we should extend such feelings every moment (365days*24hours*60mins*60secs), celebrating such particular days might provide us a special window or opportunity to appreciate the role, sacrifice and contribution of parents on one hand and extend our gratitude, respect and love to them on the other. Though there is also a section of children who dine out with parents, gift them and wish them on all social media platforms on such days. But on all other days of the year, they make their parents feel worthless, out of place and publicly/privately humiliate them. Hence, it is true that mere celebration of such days might not reflect the real relationship between these two entities - parents and children. But does it mean that we should not appreciate the contribution of parents on our lives through celebrating such special days?


Appreciating the sacrifices made by parents can be done through innumerable ways like celebrating these days; conveying thanks regularly; talking to them patiently and respectfully; going for a picnic or dinner; gifting them etc. In fact talking on latter element of gifting, I can remember vividly how sometime back a dear friend of mine gifted her mother an expensive saree and jewellery set worth few lakhs. Even when her mother could have bought them (she had expressed her desires for them many a times) but felt worthless to spend that much on herself. Though she used to gift her daughter, from time to time, even much more than the price of these sarees and jewelleries, she didn't buy such costly (even things desired and liked) for herself. Generally, parents do so because they want to provide everything they can from their hard earned earnings (in fact even stretch beyond by taking educational/home/business loans) for their children even at the cost of their own likings and desires. Should we consider all these to be their basic duty and hence not warranting even a message of appreciation (thanks) from children?


As humans, all of us expect appreciation/recognition/praise for the good works done by us even if done selflessly like parents. Parents make many sacrifices for their children right since their birth till they are alive just to ensure due care, happiness and well being of the latter. For example - They might have to change/leave social groups, forget the "Me and We time" between spouses, sacrifice hobbies, neglect one's taste buds and likings while preparing/ordering food. Moreover, mothers like mine who left a town where her Chemistry coaching class was at boom and moved to a new town merely for my better schooling. Similarly, wife of Manish Sisodia, Deputy CM of Delhi quit her illustrious career in software industry for raising their child (because "women" are not as privileged as men even quoted by Manish Sisodia in an interview). How can we acknowledge (forget repaying) these sacrifices made by our parents?


As per me, acknowledging their hardships, pain, sacrifices and efforts is the most basic and minimum we should do on a daily basis while interacting with them (face to face, audio/video call etc.). This can be done by listening to them patiently, enquiring them about how was their day and plans for the next, wishing them birthdays & anniversaries (if possible making these days special), saying them "Thank You" at regular intervals etc.


But on the other hand, there is a section which feels that parents are bound to do all these for their children as a matter of their duties. No matter whether we thank them or not, they are supposed to provide us the best amenities and life comforts. Hence, there is no rationale of thanking them for their duties. Some even feel that it would make the relationship too formal or may be superficial. They compare this parents-children relation to friends and hence the concept of "Dost ke case me No Thanks" (There is nothing like Thanks between friends) can be used to not express such thanks message between parents and children. To question this rationale, let me give one analogy. There are many personnel like maids, grocery/dairy shopkeepers etc. whose duty is to work in their respective areas and in fact they are paid for their services/work. Still many of us acknowledge their work and thank them for their support in making our lives easier, smoother and better (especially during present COVID-19 crisis). 


So, extending this onto our parents, why can't we thank them even when they aren't paid for the above roles they play (enabling a child to walk, eat, run, read, earn etc. without anyone's support). Though in case of parents, even if we don't thank them, they would still continue to help and care for us, perhaps even without an expectation of being thanked. But if we thank them as we do for above key personnel of our society, I feel their morale, motivation and happiness would rise manifold. Off late, many including me have realized that we should take a moment every now and then to acknowledge all their hardships, sacrifices, journey from a selfish person (before becoming a parent) to a selfless parent. I feel that through such messages conveying our genuine appreciation, respect and support to them can go a long way in making them feel more worthy of themselves and their upbringing (Maslow's Self Actualization and Self Esteem). This will also trigger the cycle of expressing thanks between parents and children (which perhaps is largely missing in Indian society).


Hence, no matter how busy we are, there must be moments every now and then (if possible daily) where we (children) should extend our deep, true and genuine respect; love; care; gratitude and appreciation towards our parents. This feeling might have become strong in recent times of COVID when we realized that we live in a highly fragile and vulnerable setup. Thus, one should not repent of not expressing the above and thanking one's parents because s/he did not get avenues (though all of us can find many if we intend to - may be with some true effort). As children, no matter what we do, we can never pay their debts on us but can at least make them feel more proud of themselves and us as their children.