Happy Father's Day Papa

"Thanx. God bless u and hope u will get success in ur life". This is the sweet reply from my dear father (Papa) when I wished him Father's Day on WhatsApp. This is similar to the message in the song "Papa kehte hain bada naam karega, beta humara aisa kaam karega.....". Though he is not a "Day type" person, above reply of him denotes an acknowledgement and acceptance of the words I had mentioned in the Father's day message to him. For me, nothing more than that matters about my family (my father, mother and me). 

The role of Father is very different from mother even in today's era when both of them can be often seen to be working. The reason is the the predominance of mother exhibiting emotions (heart) and father framing rules (guidelines) for the child and the family. This might differ from family to family and gender of children (vice versa for female child where Father is said to generally shower more love and mother taking role of rule framing). 

I witnessed my father's schedule of leaving for office (bank) at 9.30AM and returning not before 7PM till he retired on 31st January 2020. He worked for 36 long years in different branches situated in my home state Bihar. Being outspoken, strict and honest, he also was the recipient of punishment posting to difficult and dangerous branches (naxalite belt) like Hisua (Nawada). But he made me realise the importance and beauty of honesty. When you are honest, you get respect from even the toughest man of the region. It is because of his honesty, principles and firm nature, he established a good rapport with so-called dangerous elements of society as well. This made his posting in Hisua as one of the most memorable and not a punishment posting. Though as a child, I missed his coming to home from bank in evening and ringing his bike horn at the main gate signaling me to open it. Similar feelings of missing him might have been experienced by my mother as well during these years when he used to come only once/twice in a month.

In fact what was most interesting and painful at the same time was the time duration of him getting a posting close to our home, especially after we had made our own house. House is made by several sets of different trained masons and labourers. The role of my father in ensuring timely completion of the house (23 years ago in 1997-98) was of a financer. Without his hard earned money, this was impossible as we were ineligible for a home loan. But the indispensable role of my mother can never ever be missed. She was the one who bought all materials be it cement, sand to marble & tiles to sanitary ware etc. Moreover, she was the one all alone handling all the tactics and power games of the masons and labour on a daily basis. Thus, this house of ours is so close to me and I feel so calm and connected whenever I visit it.

My perception in the relationship between me and my father (Rel) can be summed up using this equation, Rel=R+F where R stands for Respect and F for Fear. The proportion of R and F has changed over the years and undergone different phases as shown below-

F>>R (till class 8th)

F>R (9th to IIT entrance)

F=R (college)

R>F (today)           

 

The reason for these varied proportions can be the way my father felt I should be parented (fathered). I have mentioned this in an earlier blog of mine too describing the general parenting style adopted in India and especially in middle class families Parenting Style. When I cracked IITJEE, the fear element subsided and today Respect towards him has overshadowed the former (even when Fear remains to be an aspect). The reason why I say Fear is still present is because of me waking up all of a sudden whenever he calls my name. Should there be any element of Fear or respect or love is debatable aspect related to parenting. Having experienced both reinforcement and punishment, it will be a challenge for me (as a father in future) not to use the latter especially with the children of the coming generation. This is so because Fear may backfire (hatred and delinquency) and Love can only help in gaining trust of the children.

I vividly remember how he had given me a massage after I had served food tirelessly to more than 2000 people in my grandfather's shraddha feast. This was the new "Nitin" he had seen who had always been a lazy fellow in such homely works. Even when he was mourning the death of his father, he felt the pain I might have undergone during serving food to so many people without any break. The love he had shown that day also proved another thing about him that even when he appears to be a very hard and strict being from his appearance and language, he is soft and caring from deep within. Hence, one can't discount the aspect of Love (L) in above equation Rel=R+F+L. Its just that manifestation of L is different in his case as compared to mother who used to shower and express it more vividly and explicitly.

Love element - Papa and me (less than a year old)

He had his own way of rearing me. He didn't believe in the concept of "pocket money" but he always said that "Padhai ka saman ke liye koi kami nahi karna hain, jo book kharidna hn. Kharido. Magar kapda latta bekaar kharcha hain" (Don't compromise on study related expenses. Buy all those books which might be needed for your studies. But spending money on clothes and all is wasteful expenditure). This made me what I am today - hardly understanding the importance of clothes, fashion, pressing clothes to look more presentable etc. Though now he urges me to wear good and look like a professional (in fact he has been asking me to buy new vests for myself since April but due to lockdown, I haven't been able to). Also for the very first time, few months back in February, it was him who took me to Raymond shop for buying a formal shirt needed for a face to face final interview round in present position. Thank you Papa. It was a lucky one and I was selected and hence wear it with even today with feelings of love and thankfulness (towards you).  

To conclude, what I have realized from the above aspects and my experiences is that we should never put a label or category on anyone including parents based on their way of parenting. They might have exhibited one aspect (may be unlikeable for one) of them at a particular stage while not manifesting several other likeable aspects till then. If we try to understand them more deeply, we would realize the other "selves" of him/her with time and thus establish more meaningful and strong relations with them. This is also why the relation between children and parents is so complicated and enigmatic yet simple, open and transparent. The moment you start feeling that I have understood them so nicely, you are going to witness a new aspect of them, perhaps needed for your development in that particular stage of life. 

Thank you Papa for everything (sweetest, most caring and best mother of the world; knowledge; support; love etc.). Happy Father's Day! I pray to God that you and Maa take care of each other, spend quality time with each other, travel together and keep on showering your blessings on me. These will make your life 2.0 (post-retirement) more beautiful and memorable. We should also celebrate all Festivals together - some at our Purnea home and some with me wherever I stay. Let us strengthen the bond between us with each passing day and celebrate everyday as Father's, Mother's and Parents Day.